I've moved out from the bf place. Packed all my clothes and vanity stuffs, excluding the much-needed but heavy magazines, and hauled 'em all the way back to my own small but 'practical' room.
*Sharp inhale* Nah, wasn't because of fights but he's starting this Mee Kolo business so will be away almost all night, chauffeured-no more. I need to start bus/taxi/train hopping again.
Speaking of transportation and living like a nomad, a thought struck me while I was answering the call of nature.
It's the most private and stress free time for me to think. No distraction. So don't judge.
It occurs to me that I've been spending a big chunk of my time wanting to please and be near to my partner. Meaning, I'll jump to any opportunity to live and be near to the ones i love...at the moment. And
And when I say progress, it means, getting my own driving license! Yes, please slap me. Hard.
Instead I'll happy hop on to a taxi because even though the bf house is sooooo bloody far from my office, sanggup saja! Asalkan I can see his face after each grueling work hours are done.
So when things go wrong, I'm back at square one. Alone.
I've realized that as much as my partner loves me, nothing beats myself.
I NEED to love myself more.
Because at the end of the day, if shit decides to land on your/my head, nobody will be there to wipe it off.
You/I need to deal with it.
So bf, just in case, if you stumbled upon this blog, please understand.
It's not that I don't want to be close to you but the dreaded-but-much-needed wake up call came to me last year (2010)
The fight, the lies, fears and the tears shook me hard.
I saw just how easily a guy who professed his undying devotion to you can turn it around with a click of a reason.
You played your selfish card by having it your way behind my back.
Now I'm claiming mine.
Yes, by now readers (if I have any), you should know that I'm on the verge of letting go of this current relationship.
It's broken.
I've drained my energy to fix it.
It's hanging by threads, waiting for one of us to snip it off.
By whom, I just don't care.
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